15th Published Book by TS Caladan!
I have to thank World-Mysteries for more than 20 years of posting my articles, theories, New Astronomy, art and sci-fi stories. I am proud to present my 2nd Funny Book. I could not stop the funny things after Volume 1 was written and I started to collect more odd material. In no time, I had a good chunk of a sequel written. More jokes came to me, more old stories and weirdness I remembered as well as more artwork. Could I be as funny or funnier than the previous book? That’s the question. I thought the bar was set fairly high. CREATION, that’s what’s tough: something from nothing! Let’s see, they weren’t too fond of my research and theories on Atlantis. They weren’t very responsive to my amazing stories. [Unbelievable]. But I’m receiving some great feedback on the Comedy. Surprised me.
The new book contains silliness, sadness, truth, philosophy and is a completely different angle to view life. If it made you think and feel differently about the world around you, I’ve done my job. Be funny.
The Stooges were geniuses! All except Shemp, who was a super-genius.
The most talented Marx Brother was Zeppo, c’mon!
What were the other Plans from Outer Space? Plan 1: Control all ground hogs and have them burrow beneath every human structure, which would make buildings collapse. [Failed because ground hogs were smarter than the aliens]. Plan 2: Create the ultimate TV show that would mesmerize the whole planet. [‘Glynis’ aired on TV in September of 1963 and was canceled after one episode]. Plan 3: Create a terrorist act during the World Cup. [They thought replacing the celebratory champagne with Stella Artois would poison the players, but they were wrong; it just made them sick]. Plan 4: Increase the amount of pimples on teenagers’ faces to the extent that it would decrease future Earth population. [Due to a reversal of polarity, the beautiful/young people fucked like rabbits!]. Plan 5: Develop a machine that made animated characters real and controllable. [The only character made real was ‘Baby Huey’ and he didn’t think the Plan was logical]. Plan 6: Use the Gay Ray and turn half the Earth’s population homosexual. [The aliens discovered that half of the inhabitants of the planet were already gay]. Plan 7: Contact magical trolls, elves, pixies, leprechauns, Gila monsters and convince them to join their forces. [They discovered that only the Gila monsters were real and they didn’t have magical powers]. Plan 8: There was no Plan 8! After 9 failed attempts at conquering the Earth, the aliens left. They were now geared to conquer the Moonmen on the Moon. But…they needed a Plan.
Mars Needs Women and Mars Needs Guitars, I’ve heard. Why? Is it because Mars is populated by only men who play theremins and bassoons?
I used to think when the smoke rose from the Vatican chimney that signified the Catholic’s choice of a new Pope, they had burned the old one.
Rooster Law in LA. You’ll never believe this. Shouldn’t laws be clear? Shouldn’t they be black and white, virtually written into stone with no wiggle room? Well, if you have a rooster and chickens to save a few bucks on the price of eggs, it’s fine and perfectly allowed in LA. Unless someone complains. What? Obviously they have appeased the large Spanish culture in the San Fernando Valley. Sure, go ahead and have that bastard rooster blare his horn every 6AM and announce that he got laid and you didn’t! Okay. What if this same elasticity in the Law included Murder? “We killed Uncle Louie last night. Well, we didn’t really like him, and no one complained.”
I was amazed when I first heard the songs of Morrissey. I couldn’t believe a cat could sing like that.
“I have teeth…they’re over there.”
After my marriage broke up, I needed to escape my pain, to forget, and I drew a picture that took me a year to complete in the finest colored pencils. It was accepted into the “A” exhibit of the 3 Rivers Arts Festival (Pgh.). People came from long distances just to attend this 2-week, outdoor, art show. I placed a $25,000. price tag on it because thousands of people viewed it and maybe it would sell? Didn’t sell. But before this, I spent long hours and many months on the living room rug only to hear my dad say the usual: “What the hell is that?” “It’s art, dad.” I pressed colored pencils HARD into matte board to get my frustrations out. People thought this 2’ x 2 1/2’ piece was air-brushed. Pretty colors, huh? No. This was pure PAIN! Father asked, “How much you pay for that pencil sharpener?” “Fifteen bucks, dad, it’s a Panasonic. How much you pay for that Monkeywrench you got in the basement? (We had basements). It’s a tool, Okay?” Here’s the funny part about my cheap, old man: He complained about the price of the pencil-sharpener and didn’t see the hundreds of PRISMACOLOR pencils I had. They were just pencils to him. He had no idea that over that year, I had to have spent $500. for these beautiful, soft pencils where colors blended easily. I find that very funny.
That’s not where the story ended that concerns this year out of my life. I transported it across the country. I was stuck for cash in LA and sold it for $300. (frame cost $150.). It had info written on the back from the big art show. Twenty years passed and I heard from a person who bought it at a house sale. The original owners sold it to him, but he wouldn’t tell me how much he paid for it. He saw the high price tag and like that Collectable show on TV, he thought he came into a goldmine. That’s why he looked me up, 20 years after the show. He wanted a bunch of money, thousands! No way! I told him: “Burn it! It was nothing but my PAIN!” We settled on $300., the exact amount I sold it for. It came home after all that time. Or is it that no one else wanted it but me? What an odyssey my ‘Skyrosharmonique’ traveled! After I gave him the money, as he drove off, he told me what he paid for it: 30 dollars. He made 10 times what he paid and I think I cried.
The above pencil drawing, Uri Geller got to see. Here’s the alien story about it and every word is true: I could always draw what I saw with my eyes. I looked at a photo of Geller and started to reproduce it way too large. I had only weeks before he came to Pittsburgh again and I really wanted to get this sensitive, pencil drawing done and show him. I could never have finished it in time…so the aliens (through wife, Katrina) helped me get it done much quicker. It was very strange to see her set it up and stare at it, as well as the photograph. I found out she was in a trance and it was the alien inside her that did this. It matched one on top the other, more like how a computer would do it today. I had session after session with the drawing on the ground (where I always worked) and the “entity” or Kathy would say: “Move that, there.” When she channeled “the Thing,” whatever it was, she’d be robotic, no emotions, like a machine. “This line, there.” I’m the artist, not her. Why did I change jawline and proportions of things according to what she said? Because it wasn’t her. I got it done in time and there was no way I should have finished this 2-foot long drawing in less than 2 weeks.
Speaking of the spoon-bending Geller-Effect, which was included in the Matrix film, a lot of spooky occurrences happened to me and wife from 1973-1977. Truly, some of our experiences would have freaked out most young couples. We’d open the silverware drawer and half of the (mainly) spoons were severely bent. An old watch that never worked, worked like it was new. She was scared of this weirdness when one morning we awoke to find both rabbit ears to the TV were bent at 90 degrees. Without thinking, I tried to bend one of the antennas back to straighten it and it snapped off. Force was not how they were bent. How did they bend? She thought this was a destructive ability and feared. I swear, we left the room for only a moment. When we came back in, the other antenna to the TV was completely straight. It straightened out all by itself. [As if to say: it’s Okay]. We continued watching the TV, one rabbit ear snapped off, one straight. Many items we found bent. But it was one time that me, her and a friend watched an untouched spoon completely bend in less than 30 seconds. That would convince anyone. Funny part was when we’d have guests over for dinner. We really had to re-bend the silverware just so we could eat. More than one guest asked us, “Why are there kinks in the silverware?”
Author’s note: 9/1/76, the above magazine did exactly what it said it would do: We concentrated at one moment when many others did and< Keys bent when placed on the magazine and a broken aquarium pump worked like new! I have been looking for the spoon-bending effect around me for about the last 48 years, and zilch. Nothing. But very recently things have worked out amazingly well. Life has turned good for me? I don’t know if I can take all the happiness? Back on point: My room key today is noticeably BENT. I’ve done nothing to force a bend. Ten years I’ve had it. Could the recent “good vibes” have caused this?
If you do not know why there is the ‘Walking Dead’ TV series and many of its spin-offs that will never die, let me tell you. It’s not about zombies. It’s about YOU. It is programming. It is programming you to be a mindless zombie, one of the Walking Deads. That’s you! You’re already dead. ‘Brain Dead,’ is another one. They want you brain-dead and you are. We had: ‘Get Smart.’ Although you’ll probably have a hit show called: ‘Get Dumb.’ A real show is called ‘The Wonderful World of Dumb.’ Yes. We should, if Television was used properly, turn channels and view what’s on the Moon, Mars, other planets, the moons of planet Pluto, flying through asteroids, passing through Saturn’s rings. That’s television! That’s what They have and we do not. Progression, evolution to the more complex, ended long ago. You are in a dark Medieval dungeon now. But you “empowered” young children think you’re just the greatest. Every sci-fi movie of the 20th Century pictured the truth, what should have occurred by the 21st Century and beyond. From ‘Just Imagine’ to ‘Space 1999’ to ‘2001’ and ‘2010.’ Do you ‘Brain Deads’ know what time it is? THEY are keeping technology from us! Instead of the Earth being like the planet Krypton by now that used Tesla’s energy principles and everyone had free-energy Jetson saucers, they’ve made you Dystopians so MORONIC and mindless you might as well be living in an asylum.
I don’t want A.I., artificial intelligence. I want real intelligence.
“The truth is the truth is the truth. It never changes.” (That was an old quote of mine. I’m not sure anymore)
When They “give” you the new, latest iPhone47, will you then have a clue?
How can this generation, with its phones and computers that constantly fed young people information, be the dumbest generation that’s ever been in all of human history? Here’s the answer: Shit in, shit out!
Don’t you know that when it is mostly black faces we view on our TV and computer screens…that’s racism? And when we view mostly all women in the Media…that’s sexism?
My next pen-name might be ‘Joe Stalin,’ but I’m not sure.
We don’t need no stinking badgers!
I got bit by a radioactive pangolin. I don’t know what the fuck my super-powers are.
The baby ate my dingo!
People remember the big battle between Freddy Kruger and Jason Voorhees. But they tended to forget about the other battle between Fred Rogers and Jason Alexander. Of course, it was over that bitch, Amy Schumer.
Why are waiters called “waiters”? They’re servers. The people at the tables are waiting. They’re the waiters.
Does Johnny use Dep?
Does Richard use Grieco?
Hell is repetition. Heaven is an endless freeform, unlike a fractal, it never repeated.
Let’s say East Freedonia declared war on Great Britain? What else are the royals gonna do but call their emergency forces out in such a situation? They’d call their Knights to arms! But what a sad and sorry lot they would be, eh? Can you imagine old, chubby, Sir Richard Branson swinging a sword? I don’t think he’d fit inside the body armor. Sir Kevin Spacey might scare a few enemies away, but I don’t think he’d win in a fair fight. Sir Connery and Sir Eastwood could have a few tricks up their metal sleeves, yes sir, no doubt, but c’mon, they’re old. Maybe dead?
Howard Hughes (huge pussy) was a weird girl who loved to fly. Amelia AIRheart was a weird boy (small dick) who loved to fly. Where did Amelia disappear to? She hid in ‘Hernando’s Hideaway’ and had a menage-a trois with Howard and Aimee Semple McPherson, who had genitalia of both sexes. Hey, that could be true.
I opened one of the boxes to this new product line and it had dozens and dozens of these little toys inside. But there was also something small and wrapped in plastic. I opened it and it was a single Cracker-Jack.
Of course, what’s next for the future of Television? There will be so much bleeding, disgusting, fucked-up, shitty, advertising everywhere all of the time [you’ll tolerate it and watch] that the commercials will take up the entire screen. In the corner will be a fairly small rectangle and that will be the show.
Wait, “Baby got back!” are lyrics to a rap song that’s supposed to mean: The girl has a big ass? Why doesn’t he say: “Baby got a big ass”? Oh, I understand. Rappers don’t like to use bad words.
This is how ‘Tears For Fears’ lyrics should be sung today: “…I will not accept the Greatness of Woman.” In this reverse-world, the title is now: ‘Man in Chains.’
Emma Raducanu, a young/pretty tennis pro, accomplished what was considered an “impossible” feat. She was the only qualifier in tennis history to win a Major Event! She won the U.S. Open last year, which meant she won 3 qualifying rounds and then 7 more rounds to win it all. And she did it without dropping a set. Incredible. It is not credible, maybe she had some help? From England, eh? She looks too much like Rey from Star Wars. Really, she does. Hmm. Both are British and both have been artificially created.
A terrible crime was committed in Gotham City. But it happened at noon and they had a long wait before they could use the Bat Signal.
A very old vampire that had no name, walked into a night dentist’s office and complained of two problems he had: 1) Heavy “nose fur.” Oh, he had an overgrowth of nose hair that excessively grew and grew. 2) The veteran vampire also had a painful “raw tooth” that ached terribly. The night dentist fixed the un-dead guy with a potion and he pulled the tooth. The local Count was ever so pleased and did not sink his fangs into the dentist. They parted on great terms. He never knew that it was the dentist that started the nickname for the vampire. But now, at least, he had a name: “Nose Fur Raw Tooth.
“It is what it isn’t.”
Not voting is a vote.
Fermi firmly believed Niels was a bore. And, why didn’t they cure Madam Curie?
Racketeers are now using Rocketeers!
‘Prune’ was different than planet ‘Dune’ in that purple sand composed a single continent on a water world. The only indigenous creatures were giant, purple prawns.
Cantinflas…that’s why he developed pyorrhea and had to have his teeth pulled. Why was “Cantinflas” such a superstar? Did he know Lucifer Baal? “He is considered to have been the most widely-accomplished Mexican comedian and is celebrated throughout Latin America and in Spain as a popular icon.” The reason could have been the Hollywood “Grapevine”? He knew Vito Scotti, and he knew Columbo. Columbo knew Al Capone and Capone knew the Devil.
The Machine in the Ghost.
Nothing is new. Nothing is original. All has been written, said and done before.
I found a pair of ‘They Live’ sunglasses in an alley (Not really). I was excited. I put them on and there was a little headache, you know? I looked around. You wouldn’t believe what I saw through them: Everyone was a weird alien except a few people, like me, who were normal. When I saw signs and billboards, they read: ‘Question Authority,’ ‘Don’t consume too much.’ ‘Be careful what you buy.’ ‘Money is not your God.’ Then I bumped into Roddy Piper who was happy and didn’t carry a gun. He was even happier when I gave him some bubblegum.
This is a true story: I was contacted by Marrs. Jim Marrs. The well-known author who died, but (supposedly) wrote ‘Alien Agenda,’ ‘The Illuminati,’ ‘The Plot to Kill Kennedy’ (basis for Oliver Stone’s film), ‘Rule by Secrecy,’ ‘The Shadow President’ and ‘The Rise of the Fourth Reich.’ You think this man was connected? Do you know what Jim Marrs looked like? A little like the Unabomber in a hat. Somehow he found out about my book on anagrams, ‘The Anagramacron,’ and possibly was interested in its promotion. The man died and I faced another dead-end. But maybe a good thing happened and I eluded a tender trap of the Devil? Who knows?
Dennis Miller knows I’m from Pittsburgh.
Give a man his real face…and he’ll put on a mask.
Marvin had to get one in. [“But it’s my only one!”] Okay, let the baby have his way. [“Great.”]. This is from Marvin: “Rafa Nadal’s wife is a waffle-heiress. Their young child, Waffle Nadal, was thought to be a great tennis talent, like his father. The family was very disappointed when they discovered that Waffle was really awful.” [“Ha, ha”].
(A serious one) Rafa Nadal did not win 22 major championships. His clones did.
After the Deer Family had I nice dinner and was on their way home, they struck a person on the highway with their car! They didn’t stop and kept on going. After she composed herself, Mrs. Deer asked her husband, “Goodness, me. Did you see how he had that human caught-in-the headlights look?” (Kliban & Gary Larson liked that one).
Wouldn’t it be nice if blind dogs went for “walkies” led by “Seeing-Eye People”?
“Your dog has no nose. Then, how does he smell?” “Good. I bought one of those attachments for dogs without noses, works great.”
John Lennon was jealous of Yoko Ono. That’s why he held back her career.
The Philadelphia Experiment generated a 40-year cycle where a “Great Vortex” was created. It happened in 1942, which linked with 1982 and today. Exactly 40 years later in 2022, the Great Vortex reappeared<. Because Coachella was held at Montauk, soldiers from 1942 were treated to music from 2022. When that happened, the soldiers didn’t understand the chaos and shot the aliens dead!
In the ‘Riddick’ movie franchise, the main character will no longer be played by Vin Diesel. The hero will now be played by Andy Roddick and the name of the series will be changed to ‘Roddick.’ [“Did you get the vin number on that diesel?”].
“For an intellectual, Kelsey had bad grammar.”
I have been to Asia many times. Hong Kong is my favorite city in Japan and Tokyo is my favorite city in China.
There’s a group of secret/federal agents, not as vicious as those mysterious Men in Black. They are the Men in Beige. ‘Khakis’ could have also worked.
My cat is a Tuna Whore! No kitty, you can’t place “Get me Tuna!” in my head. Stop staring. And the reason you can’t is my head’s larger than yours. Go try it on the hamster.
I need a new Cryogenic Chamber for my Monkey. The old one from Michael Jackson doesn’t work anymore.
I need a new Faraday Chamber for my hamster. (She keeps demanding!). The one I bought from Klaatu doesn’t work anymore. Odd, he sold it for cash.
“I tell you, I started this whole smoking pot business. No, no, not as one of the first hippies. As one of the first Indians. Thanks a lot for your Fire-Water, White Man!”
‘The Weeknd’ and ‘The Situation’ met one weekend and had a situation.
Rapper 50 Cent…is only worth about a quarter today.
Bjork shouldn’t do TV commercials because there were no words on the screen and no music or audio heard. Strange, it was just special effects and arm movements. If you met Bjork at a party, she’s normal.
Why does ‘Polestar’ (a vehicle) suddenly sponsor the Clock around major tennis stadiums and not the usual Swiss company? Maybe because Time Machines were made into vehicles and were no longer stationary? It’s advertised to elites that they don’t have to leave the Machines. Just drive around the Morlocks. Time Machines are now ‘Morlock-Free’!
In ‘Dino-World,’ the intelligent dinosaurs cloned ancient humans from prehistoric mosquitos caught in amber. The humans were smarter than the dinosaurs thought. They escaped and ran amok.
Everything L. Ron Hubbard and his followers believe about Lord Xenu was 100% true…in this phony, baloney universe. In the real world, hell no!
If only ‘Battlefield Earth’ starred Tom Cruise instead of John Travolting…it would still suck. [What happened to Mrs. Miscarriage?].
“Love the houses in this section of Hollywood, such a tribute to German Expressionism.” “No, they’re just old and falling over.”
Bonus: “After I was caught tripping in school, the teacher angrily asked: “Did you bring enough LSD for the whole class?”
Feels good to laugh; it’s healthy and we need laughter after the last 2 and a half years. Another Bonus, not in Volume 2: A true miracle happen to me on this July 4th. My old hamster (Kitty) died and the new one (Pop-Up) I just bought GAVE BIRTH! I thought I bought a chubby girl. No, she was pregnant! Pet store said they would never have sold her if they knew. A fluke! The miracle was death and life at the same moment under the fireworks. I’m a proud poppa. I only wanted to share…
Contact author, comments and questions are welcome: TSCALADAN@gmail.com
Books written by TS Caladan/DH Jetson:
- The Continuum.
- Son of Zog.
- The Cydonian War.
- Science-Faction Vol. 1 (short stories).
- Science-Faction Vol. 2 (short stories).
- The Anagramacron.
- 2099 ~ Transia.
- The Mandela Effect.
- The New Men and the New World.
- Beyond Barronsland.
- The Best of TS Caladan.
- Mandela Effect II.
- Collected Comedy of TS Caladan.
- TS Caladan’s Comedy II.
Find links to all his e-books and paperbacks at: www.twbpress.com/authortraycaladan.html